The Weekly Whine: Why Boris deserves a Bharat Ratna
Note: The Weekly Whine has been missing from your inboxes for a long time and for that I apologise to my two loyal fans. I am going to try out a new format henceforth where I will whine about only one topic.
Why Boris deserves a Bharat Ratna
I’ve long been a fan of Boris Johnson, the only British Prime Minister born outside British territories, who is sometimes unfairly cast as an educated Donald Trump. The truth is that Boris and Donnie boy are like chalk and cheese.
While the latter’s theatrics seem completely unplanned, the former seems to have the Jack Sparrowesque-ability to escape from every trap. And like Bart Simpson, he also never pays the consequences for his actions.
As someone once said, Boris knew seven languages and said nothing sensible in any of them but that’s probably a put-up act.
Not only is he the court jester with lese majesty that became king but also the most page-view friendly politician in the world now that Donald Trump is no longer on social media and Imran Khan is no longer PM.
BoJo does many, many things which I find deeply admirable in a human being and a politician.
Breaking laws that he expects other people to follow.
Not combing his hair.
Looking like he has suddenly appeared on a Candid Camera set when he really wanted a to get a shawarma after downing 10 pints.
Joked about dead bodies interfering with business in Libya.
Reciting The Iliad out of context and claiming it gives him peace when it’s evident that he has memorized a few lines.
Getting fired from his first job for making up a quote which he attributed to his godfather about King Edward II and his gay lover!
Deflecting questions in parliament with random non-sequiturs.
Saying he has no idea it’s a party after being caught hosting a Bring Your Own Booze party despite locking everyone else up in the country.
Comparing the burkha to a letter box.
Getting too excited about Peppa Pig world.
Shaking hands with all Covid patients.
Knocking down a kid during a rugby match.
Getting told off by the Speaker for “chuntering inelegantly from a sedentary position”.
Talking non-stop about getting whisky imports dropped at a Sikh gurudwara.
And despite all the theatrics, condemning Labour to its worst performance in the post-War era.
Boris’ visit to India comes amid tough times at home but the UK PM turned on the charm offensive that has seen him marry thrice despite his questionable morality, propensity for cheating and dodgy sartorial style.
Boris, who likes to call himself India’s son-in-law (he was married to Khuswant Singh’s niece twice or thrice removed) and gave a Cred-worthy 90s montage asking Indians to vote for Tories, turned on the charm offensive in India.
Gushing like a Gujarati who has been given extra cheese with his dosa, he said he was feeling like Sachin Tendulkar or Amitabh Bachchan thanks to the close attentions of his khaas dost Narendra Modi.
Impersonating a monkey or an Indian TV anchor – it really is impossible to tell the difference in this day and age – he jumped on a JCB with such relish that he was deemed “tone-deaf” by the three think tank chaps who are only quoted by the three op-ed writers they know.
But that wasn’t all, as Boris channelled his inner Sir Thomas Roe as he waxed lyrical about the greatness of India.
He shut down pesky questions about non-existent genocides, promised to help India make fighter jets, promised cheaper whisky and more visas, bragged about being given India’s vaccine jab, visited the Akshar Dham Temple and even spun around the Gandhi Chakra, becoming the first UK PM to do so.
It takes a special level of self-aware shamelessness for a British PM to spin the very symbol that epitomises India’s stand against British imperialistic colonialism but then again, being shamelessly self-aware is Boris’ strong suit.
But what was truly remarkable, the crème de la crème (or cheese on top of cheese as Gujaratis say) was the response to the tiresome loose ball about the culture of ‘growing Hindu nationalism and democratic backsliding’.
Without batting an eyelid, Boris said: “It is important to realise that India has constitutional protections for communities. It's part of their constitution. India is a very different country from the autocracies around the world. It is a great, great democracy. It's a stunning, shining fact. 1.35 billion who live under a democracy. And that's something we should celebrate.”
It’s a welcome change in a world where hypocritical Western nations hand out moral lessons even when they purchase more oil in an afternoon from Russian than India does in a month.
Boris might be here on the same mission as Sir Thomas Roe, especially post-Brexit, but his effective deflections and invective inflections certainly deserve a Bharat Ratna. We’ve handed out Bharat Ratnas for far less.
PS: Some other things that caught my attention.
Video of the Week
Mamata Banerjee’s epic pitch to investors at the West Bengal summit
Losers of the Week
Two diversity advocates found themselves in hot water after accusing a DJ of blackface before realising that he was actually BLACK! Beat that.
Videsne omnes hebdomadam proximam. Spero.